The Other Mother by Jen Brister
Author:Jen Brister [Brister, Jen]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781473562264
Publisher: Random House
12
Unwanted Opinions
First, a disclaimer: I am naturally allergic to other peopleâs opinions at the best of times, but after the boys were born, my intolerance reached pathological proportions.
When the boys were newborn babies, I felt like I was given unwanted advice like it was going out of fashion. When I first ventured out to the park, or mother and baby groups or cafes, I avoided eye contact with anyone. I couldnât bear the endless questions and looks of earnest compassion from other mothers. Even small talk felt loaded with dark meaning. Iâd get into a conversation with someone that was so bland that I would be lulled into a false sense of calm. Then somehow, Iâd suddenly feel obliged to account for my existential purpose in life.
âTwins! I donât know how you do it. I struggle with just one! Gosh. I canât imagine giving birth to two! Good for you.â
Most of the time, especially when they were tiny, I didnât have the energy to explain. I was so desperate for the small talk to end that I decided not to correct them in case it fired off a whole new volley of questions. I couldnât be arsed with that, so Iâd just tell them:
âOh, it was a dream birth, actually. They just slid out. It was completely pain-free.â
OK, I never said that, but I really wanted to.
Other times, I felt obliged to explain my relationship to my children, because I want my family to be visible and I donât want my boys to feel any embarrassment or shame about having âdifferentâ parents.
âIâm not their mum. I mean I am ⦠Iâm just not their biological mum. Iâm their non-biological mum. Weâre not detergent! Ha ha ⦠What I mean is. I didnât give birth to them. My partner did. Sheâs not here.â
Oh God. PLEASE SHUT UP. See what I mean?
I donât know why this was such an issue for me, itâs not like I felt any insecurity about my feelings for my children: I think it was more that I was embarrassed that I was calling myself a mum without having gone through any of the tough stuff that every biological mother has gone through.
Even with innocuous, inane mother-and-baby-group chit-chat, Iâd inevitably end up plunging further down that particular sinkhole:
âItâs so cold, isnât it?â Iâd be asked.
âYeah, itâs cold alright â¦â Iâd reply.
âIâve had to take blankets out for the kids; another thing to carry â itâs a nightmare! Are those your boys?â
âYes.â
âIâve definitely seen them around at other groups.â
âThatâs possible, I donât always go with them.â
âOh! I must have seen them with their dad â¦â
âYeah, you might have seen him. Heâs short, about five foot two, blonde and a woman.â
Again, Iâd never say that, naturally. Iâm never passive-aggressive or rude when people make assumptions and think that Iâm either the biological mum or have a husband.
I know itâs the twenty-first century and weâre all so forward-thinking and right-on and blah blah blah, but the fact is our family is still outside of what is considered the ânormâ.
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